Juliet

2007-12-08T19:57:00.001-08:00

2007-12-07T21:01:00.001-08:00

This is the non-linear story of my life.
The links reveal important people to me.
When you come to a page without a link just hit the browser's reverse button.
You're exactly where you're meant to be in life — or so they say ;-)

Finding The Fragments

2007-12-07T21:00:00.001-08:00

Mum never had any photos to show me of my father, but she said I followed after him. My dark looks, my body build, even my temper and moodiness she said came from Eddie. I first heard about Eddie when I was thirteen, after I had rifled through my personal records at school and discovered that Johnny Jameson was not really my dad, that he had only adopted me. It was a shock to discover that, but it kind of made sense. He had never treated me as lovingly as he did Carol and Patrick. Mum told me that Carol and Patrick were his own kids, that he couldn't help feeling differently about them. Yeah, it was then that mum finally told me the truth ― that she had had me out of wedlock. She was twenty, and Eddie had turned eighteen. It was also then that she told me that I had a younger sister who was given up for adoption. She told me I should be grateful that I hadn't been given away like Susan.

The Search For Self

2007-12-07T20:55:00.003-08:00

A few years later, when it became apparent that I had started self-harming and that I was suffering from severe depression, — or a borderline personality disorder as the doctors called it — mum let it out that there had been schizophrenia on my father's side of the family. After I heard this, I started to fear that I might be schizophrenic too. The illness is known to run in families, and sometimes I felt like I was not a part of this world, that I was floating somewhere else. I still float off at times, but first I get numb. It's like I'm dead, and I hate myself, and then the only way I can feel happy is by digging deeply with razors or bits of broken glass. I slice my arms, my inner thighs, my stomach. It's gotten worse over the years, but bliss comes by letting blood. Then, I am euphoric. I am free.

I did speak to my psychiatrist at that time though, and I asked her what the likelihood was that I might be schizophrenic. She assured me that I didn't suffer from such illness. She said my depression and self-harming were linked to the abuse I had suffered at the hands of Johnny Jameson.

Ready To Meet My Dad

2007-12-07T20:55:00.001-08:00

Dr. Mosley did, however, think it would be a good idea for me to meet my real father if I could find him, and if he agreed to meet with me. So, I told mum that I wanted to contact my father. I needed to find out who the other half of me was.

It was a miracle when I think about it. I mean, if you think how often people move house, move town, or even settle in a different country. Mum contacted directory enquiries and asked for the phone number of Edward S. Thaxton in Slough and they gave her the number, just like that. That same evening she phoned Eddie. It turned out that my father was married for a second time and had kids by her as well as by his first wife. Eddie said that Janice, his wife, knew all about his past, that she knew he had an illegitimate grown-up child out there somewhere. He told mum that he'd love to meet me and that he'd like to see her again too.

"Why don't you both come over on Sunday for tea? You can meet Janice and our two boys," he had said.

If Only ...

2007-12-06T05:43:00.000-08:00

After mum had finished chatting, I spoke briefly with Eddie on the phone. God, it felt so weird! There I was, twenty-two years old, speaking to my father for the first time in my life. My heart was thumping. I was sweating. I didn't know what to say and I burst into tears. But he laughed, he comforted me, he said it was OK for me to cry, and he even said that he felt like crying too. He was softly spoken, so very sweet, and I felt sad that mum had not married him instead of that bastard Johnny Jameson.

Tea in Slough

2007-12-06T05:40:00.000-08:00

Anyway, we accepted Eddie's invitation. On the Saturday, Mum and me splashed out, going to the hairdressers, buying new dresses, as well as, of course, matching shoes and handbags. We really went to town. Mum wanted to look good because at the time she was recovering from being ditched by her boyfriend Rory. Bloody Rory! That creep made my life a misery, and then he went and did the dirty on mum by legging it with a younger woman. So, to be honest, I think mum was hoping that Eddie might get the hots for her and dump his wife. Mum has no qualms about breaking up a family if she fancies a bloke. When we were driving over to Slough, she was worrying about whether her bum was too big in her denim mini and whether his wife would be younger, slimmer, prettier than her. I remember thinking, "Fuck you, mum. This is meant to be for me, not you. We aren't on a man-hunt now. I didn't dare tell her what I thought. She would have thrown one of her tantrums.

A Perfect Father

2007-10-28T07:54:00.007-07:00

We had a bit of a trial finding the place, but it turned out that Eddie and his family lived on a new estate not far from the town centre. Once mum found the actual street, and then pulled up outside the house, I was all of a quiver. I was ready to turn back. I thought I would throw up; my nerves were so bad. But Eddie and his wife were obviously excited about meeting us both. Janice came rushing out to the car to greet us with one of the little boys trailing behind her. She hugged mum and then she hugged me, and then she said that she was really grateful for the chance to meet us. I was pretty gobsmacked by her openness. I mean, a lot of women would go apeshit if they knew their husband had a kid somewhere, and they would probably dread to think that that kid might one day come knocking on the door wanting to see their father. But Janice was lovely. She dragged us inside and sat us down in the living room, and then my dad appeared. He'd been pottering around upstairs, fixing the plumbing in the bathroom. He was in jeans and a white T-shirt, but I remember thinking he looked pretty gorgeous for his age. Still had all his hair! Nice and muscley too, and tanned. Well, he hadn't even turned forty, but he could have have passed for being in his late twenties. I felt my heart flutter and I knew it was coming more from a sexual attraction.

Happy Families

2007-10-28T07:54:00.003-07:00

As the afternoon progressed I could feel myself falling more in love with my father. I liked Janice too. They were such a stable, loving family. My father made it clear to me that he wished us to maintain contact and get to know each other. He even apologized to mum for not making any effort to contact her, and for not making any contribution to raise me.

Mum laughed. "You were a kid then. It's too late to fret about that now."

"I hope to pay back now," he said, "by spending time with Juliet."

We drove home that evening, mum and me, the two of us floating on a cloud. Before we had even made our way off Eddie's housing estate I could see she was mulling over how she could snare him.

"Pity he's so settled. She's nice Janice, but I bet she's frigid in the sack."

Eddie had promised he would phone me that week, and he was better than his word. Later that evening, he called to check that we had got home safely, and then he asked me if I would like to see Evita with him in London. I said yes. My heart was skipping. He said he would get tickets for the coming Saturday night and that he would meet me at Waterloo Station at noon.

"Let's do some fun things before heading off to the theatre."

I asked him if Janice and the boys were coming too. He said no, that it would only be the two of us.

"Janice will be at home with the boys. Don't worry. Let's enjoy. We can have dinner either before or after the performance and then I'll drive you home."

I did wonder why he wasn't picking me up too as we don't live so far apart. But he said that his office was in the City, and because he had to work late Friday and be in early Monday, he would be staying in London over the weekend. So that was that. My first date alone with dad was set.

Picnic in the Park

2007-10-28T07:54:00.001-07:00

That Saturday was the most perfect day in my life. I have never felt so happy, so loved, as I did that day. After meeting me at Waterloo, Eddie drove over to Kensington Gardens and we wandered out towards the Serpentine before finding a spot to eat our picnic. We chatted away, finding out our common likes and dislikes, and what had been the pains, pleasures and surprises in our lives. Eddie was very easy to talk to. He was such a good listener, and when he opened up to me it was as though we were a reflection of each other. He saw and felt things the same way I did. We sat on a blanket eating the picnic he had brought along for us: baguette, cheeses, salad, cake and crisps. We sipped red wine and I laughed so much at his jokes and boyish antics. He was so playful, and I could understand why children were also drawn to him.

It was a pleasantly warm summer's day and before I had finished my second glass of wine I zonked out. When I awoke, Eddie was looking over me. He was smiling and stroking my cheek ever so gently with his fingers. And then, ever so softly, he brushed his lips against mine. He kissed me tenderly. I kissed him back lightly and then his tongue made its way deeper into my mouth. I wanted him like nobody I had ever wanted before or since. I wanted him inside me, right there, right then, in that lovely garden. His hand glided over my breasts, down my belly and then made its way up my dress. When he touched me, he could feel I was wet.

"Let's go to my hotel," he whispered to me between kisses. I simply nodded.

He pulled me gently to my feet and, as he had cleaned up our picnic while I had been asleep, he picked up the hamper and rolled the red blanket under his arm. With his free hand we walked hand-in-hand through the park. We walked silently, but this little voice in my head was saying, "No, stop, don't do this. Are you crazy?" But I shut the voice out. I felt like it was all a dream. We turned down a side street not far from the gardens and came to his hotel.

Forbidden Fruit

2007-10-28T07:53:00.002-07:00

Once inside his room, Eddie started kissing me again. He didn't give me time to even breathe. He tore at the neck strings on my dress until he managed to untie them. He lifted out a breast and started sucking its nipple while pulling me down onto the double bed. His breath was warm on my skin, his lips persistent as he kissed along the faint silvery thread of a scar on my stomach and then kissed me between my legs. I pulled him up towards me, kissed him and unbuckled the belt on his jeans. Once my hand was inside his zip, I grabbed his hard cock. His eyes rolled back in his head with pleasure as I gently licked the head of his penis. I could feel the excitement in him rising. He rolled me onto my back and then entered me. Thrusting in and out, it was as if he were trying to touch the very essence of me. Wave after wave of intense pleasure swept over me, taking me to that place where I go when I cut deeper into myself, when I separate, dissolve and feel only sweet bliss. Afterwards, I lay in my father's arms, breathing in the light fragrance of his cologne, my fingers running through the wispy hairs on his chest while he slept.

Sin Does Not Exist

2007-10-28T07:53:00.001-07:00

We made it to the theatre that evening and afterwards we ate noodles at a small restaurant in China Town. Then, we went back to the hotel and we made love again. He slowly undressed me this time. His kisses were long and wet as I undid the buttons on his shirt and helped him out of his trousers. Eddie lay me out on the bed before him and then started kissing and licking me from my toes upwards. My legs quivered with excitement when his tongue reached between my legs, and ever so softly, ever so gently, he started licking inside me. I moaned with pleasure and he mounted me. His cock sliced through me, as beautiful as glittering shards of glass. In the morning, we made love yet again. He was taking me higher and higher, releasing me from myself. I couldn't get enough of him or him of me, but a little voice was murmuring that the sex would be an addiction I could live to regret. As I listened to Eddie singing in the shower, a chill ran up my spine at the realization that I had now had sex with both my fathers. It was such a surreal thought. But I didn't want to look at whether it was right or wrong. I was an adult, I told myself, and so was Eddie. We were attracted to each other, and although he was my father in blood, he had not raised me. We were strangers.

"I could have met him in a pub or club and then slept with him," I muttered to myself as I sat up in bed to light a cigarette. "I might have fucked with him and never even known he was my father." I chuckled at that thought.

Black Abyss Awaits

2007-10-28T00:49:00.003-07:00

That weekend was the start of what would turn out to be a wonderful year of secret dates dotted around the country. Usually, we would meet in London, go for dinner, see a show and then make out in a hotel, but Eddie sometimes had a surprise in store and we would spend a weekend at the coast, in Bath or in Derbyshire. Eddie had the money and the experience to spoil me, and he did, splurging on jewellery and clothes for me, as well as introducing me to worlds that I would never otherwise have been exposed to. He got a thrill out of taking me to Royal Ascot, the ballet or to plays. Often things were beyond me, but he enjoyed explaining it all to me. Eddie mesmerized me with his energy, with his passion for life. But then I fell pregnant. I wanted our child so much, but Eddie insisted I get rid of it. I then realized that I was nothing but a toy for him. He kept his distance from me after the abortion. He'd gotten a scare. Meanwhile, I was hospitalized for depression. I had cut too deeply with a Stanley knife and had to have stitches in my stomach. I was lucky not to have bled to death, but it wasn't a suicide plea. I simply needed to let out all my pain and be swept up by the endorphin rush. Eddie didn't come to see me all the time I was in St. Hilda's. I never spoke to mum about the relationship with Eddie, but I know she knew. I had made the mistake of confiding in Carol about the abortion and she had spilled the beans to mum. Mum said Eddie had phoned her to see how I was doing, that he wanted me to know that he was tied up with work and that Janice was pregnant. I wanted to die when she told me that. Mum took my hand and said, "Men are all the same, Juliet. It would never have worked out, you know that. He needs to be with Janice now."

Self Hatred

2007-10-28T00:49:00.001-07:00

I never mentioned to my psychiatrist or any of the hospital staff what had gone on between me and my father. I was scared of what might happen if I said anything. I was scared it would damage his marriage, hurt Janice and those lovely boys. I couldn't hurt him and his family. I could only hurt me. Mum said that mental illness terrified Eddie because of what life had been like for him living with his mother and sister, but I felt abandoned all the same. Because I felt worthless, I continued cutting up while in hospital. My doctor upped my drug dosage, and then I became manic and extremely flirtatious. A male patient raped me, sending me into a dizzier downward spiral of self hatred and self harm.

The Best of a Bad Situation

2007-10-28T00:48:00.001-07:00

It was ten months later, when I was feeling more stable, that I met Don. Don was at St. Hilda's for drug rehabilitation and to wean himself off booze. We hit it off right from the start. I liked Don's really wacky sense of humour. He had me in stitches, hopping around the patients' lounge on his one good leg while playing crazy golf with a ping-pong ball and his detached prosthetic leg. It was good for me to laugh. It had been too long that I hadn't laughed. I couldn't even remember the last time, but it must have been while with Eddie. That thought made me sad, but I knew I had to put Eddie behind me. So, Don and I became close. We slept together, and I thought that by that act I could break the spell of Eddie for ever. I ended up pregnant. Don was excited and eager for us to marry, so as soon as I left the hospital and moved into a flat with him we made arrangements to tie the knot. It was a small registry office wedding. From Don's side of the family came his mother and his brother Martin. On my side of the family, came mum, gran, Carol and Patrick. And, like a ghost from the grave, there was my father too. Eddie came along with Janice and the boys. Janice was pretty well near to giving birth to her baby. I was alarmed to see Eddie there. I didn't know mum had mentioned the wedding to him.

"I had to tell him, Juliet," she told me. "Janice would have thought there was something wrong if they weren't invited. It's natural that a father would be at his first child's wedding, especially that of his daughter. Imagine if you'd got married in church. He would have given you away."
Eddie looked guilty. He couldn't look me in the eye at first. His presence filled me with grief. Don I liked, but Eddie I loved.

Bitter-Sweet Obsession

2007-10-28T00:47:00.000-07:00

A year passed before I heard a squeak from Eddie again. He turned up on my doorstep one morning out of the blue. I was at home with the baby. I was still in my nightdress. Don was out, doing a computer-training course. Well, I invited Eddie in. I didn't look at all desirable, what with my hair a mess and no makeup on. I wished he had called first. I would have dolled myself up a bit. I would have made some effort. But I thought that maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he hadn't come to see me. Knowing Eddie, he might have come to see his first grandson Sam. But it soon became apparent that that wasn't the case. He started kissing me, touching me. He wanted us to be lovers again. I ended up giving him a blow job in the living room while the baby was asleep upstairs, and then the following week Eddie came over again and we made out in the bed that I had fucked in with peg-leg hubby the night before. We kept up this arrangement for almost a year, but it was making me crazy. I was scared that Don might come home and catch us at it. Of course, I bolted the front door but I couldn't relax. Or, I worried that mum might pop round and I knew she would blow a gasket if she saw Eddie there. But, also, I didn't want to be Eddie's Tuesday bit-on-the-side.

Honesty Hurts

2007-10-27T21:52:00.000-07:00

I wanted him to leave Janice, to find a place for the two of us and my baby.

"It's impossible," Eddie yelled. He was pacing the kitchen, tearing at his hair.

I sat at the kitchen table crying. "I want you, only you." I threw myself upon him, but he pulled me off as if I were a leech sucking his blood.

"We could both be locked up."

"Then, let's go to France or somewhere we can be together and marry."

"No, I won't leave Janice," he blasted. "I have my work to consider too."

"Is that what you care about ... your stupid, fucking job?"

"Mainly, I care for my wife and kids."

He said he was happy to continue exactly the way we were. "Or, I will have to stop seeing you. But this time, it will have to be for good."

"You're no different from that eighteen-year-old boy who screwed my mother and then fucked off. Leave Janice or ..."

Eddie grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me hard. "Or what? I will never leave her for you," he sneered. "I can't live with someone who has mental breakdowns, who cuts herself to ribbons like this," he held out one of my arms to reveal a long, silvery scarred line.

"Then get out of my house now. I don't want to see or hear from you again."
I knew there and then that I would never let him get away with this. I would get my own back on him even if it killed me.

Never Letting Go

2007-10-07T02:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't heard anything about Eddie for years now. I still wonder about him a lot; how he's doing and if he's recovered from his little ordeal. I wonder if he's still living in Slough, if he's still with Janice, and if, once I'm out of jail, I will ever see him again. Don disappeared from my life many moons ago, and Sam was put into care.

But sometimes when I lie awake at night I touch myself with a razor blade. I try to find that pleasure Eddie once found so very deep inside of me.

Eddie, I will always love you.