Self Hatred

I never mentioned to my psychiatrist or any of the hospital staff what had gone on between me and my father. I was scared of what might happen if I said anything. I was scared it would damage his marriage, hurt Janice and those lovely boys. I couldn't hurt him and his family. I could only hurt me. Mum said that mental illness terrified Eddie because of what life had been like for him living with his mother and sister, but I felt abandoned all the same. Because I felt worthless, I continued cutting up while in hospital. My doctor upped my drug dosage, and then I became manic and extremely flirtatious. A male patient raped me, sending me into a dizzier downward spiral of self hatred and self harm.